Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Mathematician Jokes

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in a psychological test. They sat on one side of a room and waited not knowing what to expect. A door opened on the other side and a naked woman came in the room and stood on the far side. They were then instructed that every time they heard a beep they could move half the remaining distance to the woman. They heard a beep and the engineer jumped up and moved halfway across the room while the mathematician continued to sit, looking disgusted and bored. When the mathematician didn't move after the second beep he was asked why. "Because I know I will never reach the woman." The engineer was asked why he chose to move and replied, "Because I know that very soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"

A physicist, an engineer and a mathemetician agree to take part in an experiment. Each person is locked in a room with nothing but a single can of beans.

After three days the researchers open each door in turn. In the first room they find the physicist happily scrawling equations across a wall, and the can of beans is neatly popped open. They ask him how he opened the can and he says "Oh I applied pressure to the stress points".

They take their notes and move on to the next room, where the engineer is snoring in a corner. The can is lying beside him, a smashed pile of metal. They wake him and ask him how he opened the can, to which he replies "I battered it to it's failure point.

Finally, they open the third door. There they find the mathematician holding the can, rocking back and forth, and muttering, "Assume the can is open. Assume the can is open."
An electron gets pulled over for speeding. The policeman walks up to the car and says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" The electron replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"

Two atoms walk into a bar.

One atom says, "You know, I think I forgot an electron..." The other atom asks, "Are you sure??" The first atom replies, "I'm positive!"

To most people solutions are answers. To chemists solutions are allmixed up.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him a beer and the neutron asks "How Much?" The bartender replies "For you, no charge!"

A farmer notices that all of his chickens are inexplicably dying with no apparent symptoms and hires a veterinarian, a biochemist, and a physicist to determine the cause of the deaths. The veterinarian comes back a week later and says, "I've examined all the chickens and can't figure out why they're dying." The biochemist comes back two weeks later and says, "I've run every test I know, but I still can't figure why the chickens are dying." The physicist comes back a month later with 20 pages of calculations and says, "I have a solution to your problem, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."

(e^x) is walking down the street, when he runs into (7), who has a crazed, fearful look in her eye. "(e^x)!" screams (7), "You have to run! All the numbers are running. A differential is coming... we'll all be turned to nothing!" (e^x) barely responds, "Pff, baby, I'm (e^x), differentials don't change me, I'm my own derivative." (7) keeps running. More numbers pass by urging (e^x) to flee. He pays no mind.
Suddenly, the differential turns the corner. With a smirk on his face, (e^x) is ready for it.
But No! His face turns to horror. Standing before him is (dy/dz).

An engineer, a mathemetician and a physicist are staying in the same hotel. A fire breaks out on the three floors they're on. The engineer wakes up, grabs the trash can, runs to the bathroom, fills the can and douses the flames before heading back to bed. The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He grabs the notepad on the nightstand, determines the exact amount of water needed to put out the fire, collects that amount of water and puts out the fire. The mathemetician wakes up, sees the fire and also grabs the notepad on his nightstand. He sits on the edge of his bed calculating the amount of water required to put out the fire. After a few moments, he stands up and shouts "A solution exists!" before going back to bed.

Noah landed his ark and proclaimed to the animals, "Go forth and multiply". The snakes replied, "Sorry, we're adders." So Noah chopped up the ark and made a log table

No comments:

Post a Comment